Friday, May 09, 2008

When it all caves in.....


If you have been following the news lately you are probably aware of the record breaking sink hole that is forming not far from where I live. Not to worry...it is about an hour's drive away, our property is not at risk, and yes I do intend to drive on over for a look-see later today.

If you are behind on the story of the ever growing depression, you can catch it here.

What you won't find is the report on the formation of my own recent personal depression.

I haven't had much interest in posting the last few days. One thing after another piled on and frankly I was wiped out.
Bernie had left last Friday for a business, a trip that would take him from home for five days.
Saturday Laura was fighting a cold, so I headed to the Houston Hat Net party on my own.
It was an hour and half drive to get there; but worth it to see my fellow hat enthusiasts. We all live at different corners of Houston; long drives to get together is the price I pay anytime I want to see these friends.
At the party behatted ladies chatted and caught televised glimpses of Kentucky derby hats.
When it came time to mount the riders for the big race, I watched the names come up on screen, and I whimsically declared that Eight Belles would be my horse. I was astonished to see her come in second in the race, and sickened moments later to learn she had broken both her legs right after the race and had to be destroyed on the track.
How could the death of a creature that I had only known about for a few minute affect me so deeply?

Normally I think I would have managed having Bernie gone so long, and the horse tragedy. But these two events came about as Laura's time with us was coming to a close. She had taken an assignment here in Houston so we could spend time together; she arrived in January, and it was time for her to move on to her next assignment. The little over four months time together went oh so fast.

Over the weekend Laura struggled with twists and turns concerning her upcoming nursing assignment-details that had us both wondering what she ought to do next. No answer seemed ideal or clear cut. She was still tired from fighting her cold, her vacation and knowing she was facing changes ahead.

She had just gotten back from a week in Sweden; it was hard enough on me having her gone one week; now I was facing her being gone away and back to her own life away from us for good.

Having had my friend Gail come and go the week before underscored to me how precious it was to have a friend to visit face to face. Phone calls and emails are nice; but no replacement of a smiling face and shared hugs. I know I won't be able see Gail again for a very long time.
On Sunday Laura and I took a last walk through the woods together. The wild iris were blooming in the sunlight, and I saw the first little girl spiders who will soon grow up to be the big yellow spiders of summer. Another summer has come...it seemed to happen so fast.

Last Monday, as Laura and I ate Swedish pancakes, I was already struggling with missing Gail, and knowing the next day Laura would be packed up and gone. I knew when she left Bernie would still be gone out of town.
That realization hit me hard; it was then that I started to crumble. Sometimes I really hate being alone.

That night a local buddy told me that she and her husband will be leaving the area soon as well. Another sad blow. I am really, really sick of saying good bye to friends and family. And I am super tired of trying to make new friends here. My buddy and I both agreed: it is difficult to meet people who have time for fun and friendship.

Tuesday morning after a night with lots of tears and little sleep, I went for dental work: prep for two crowns. Ouch.

Laura and I agreed she would drive off while I was gone. She left me loving note, and the cats had dragged several of their favorite toys into the empty guest room, apparently in a last ditch attempt to make her stay. We stayed in touch via cell phone as she drove alone half way across America. Tuesday was tough. Bernie cut his trip short to fly home.

Today Laura is back in our home town of San Diego. She will be with my mom and Bernie's mom on Mother's Day.
Bernie is busily doing business from his office; I can hear the conference call he is leading even as I type. It helps to have him home and that the twists and turns of Laura's assignment have apparently been resolved.

More or less...

I'm doing better today. There are things to do and places to go: A sink hole to visit and there's an Art Car block party happening tonight. A hat on a different kind of block is in my hat room right now just waiting to be finished.

Some days, and weeks are better than other. It is like when I walk through the forest, there are always shadowy patches and sunlight spaces. If I keep walking, I eventually pass through both.

I'm going to keep walking. The next bright patch (or hippo car) may be just around the bend.

PS: The hippo art car belongs to Hat Netter Sue, whose new red hippo car is the sister to Sue's purple hippo car. 'Cuz really, can a girl ever have too many hippo cars?

5 comments:

Lovella said...

Jill I applaud you for your honesty. Truly I do. There are a few souls out there that no not what the feeling of depression is, I do.
I always find that talking about all the problems helps a little. It also helps to have people care and validate that what you are experiencing is understandable.

I've been watching that sinkhole on the news and just this morning wondered aloud if you were close by it.

I hope you get your spunk back soon ... .
Mr. B. could you please give her a hug from me?

amyletinsky said...

Jill, you're in my prayers as you face your sinkhole (I love the metaphor...you know i love those.) Thanks for sharing your burden with us readers, who will gladly life you up and help you carry the load. We've all had our depressed moments, and there's often no simple words to make it all feel better. But, I know that what's helped me most was having others praying and knowing that this too shall pass.

Vicki said...

Jill, I never imagined the difficulties you have faced lately. Your honesty is endearing...it makes you - a friend I've never met face-to-face - real. It also helps me to remember that I'm not the only person out there struggling with changes, only I'm the one who is leaving my friends and family (my son) behind and I don't like it. I have a difficult enough time just getting out and meeting people and making friends and getting involved, and now I have to do it all over again. (Perhaps I've used all those unpacked boxes as an excuse to stay indoors with what is familiar.)

Now I'm joining in when I should be encouraging you. Thank you for sharing your feelings. We've all been there at some point (some of us are still there). I'm praying...for you, for me, for all of us who experience depression or sadness or frustration.

running wildly said...

Aw. *Hugs* my blogger friend. I do agree with Lovella that talking about it always helps. Blogging is a great way of venting.

Glorious Hats said...

Had been missing you and now know why you were not writing so much. So glad you will keep walking through the forest.